Sometimes my head feels like its going to explode with everything in it. I have lists running through my head all the time of things that need doing in order to keep things running – I just can’t keep up with everything and I feel stressed all of the time. Even when I have a break I’m just waiting to do the next job on my list. And it’s weird because the list never ever ends.
So much for full time mum-hood being easy then. I was stressed when I worked full time too, and under a lot of pressure (balancing a house, child, and full time job is chaos in case you’re wondering!) but I would say that this is equally stressful, and at times I feel like screaming that its so difficult, and I don’t know how people do it. Because my house is never how I want it, nothing ever gets fully done, and I never get to do all of the things I have in my head that a perfect mum does.
Yesterday I went for tea with some work colleagues. It was lovely, but something one of them said stuck out. I was talking to L about how she’s struggling at work due to the caseloads at the minute. T stepped in and said to L (direct quote) ‘well, you know what you need to do then. Get up the duff and have a year off.’ Now, I don’t particularly have a close relationship with this colleague, and I just laughed it off at the time. But it’s stuck in my head.
I wonder how many people think that I got pregnant just to have a year off work (i didn’t). I wonder how many of them realise that it’s so not a year off. It’s a year of lists, stress, never getting done, not having as much money, not having child free time (I’m still breastfeeding, so time away is limited to 3 hours max and is very rare anyway!) it’s hard, hard work mentally and emotionally. It’s rewarding – I’ve blogged before about how there are magical moments in each and every day – but it’s not just a ‘year off’ relaxing and going out and about either. I still have early mornings, long days and my time begins when my kids are in bed at 7-8 apart from the odd half hour. And even then I’m up at night 2-3 times, and ‘my time’ includes getting a shower! Being a full time mum is as much of a full time job as the job I’m on pause from.