I don’t remember…

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I want to capture every second of every day that I spend with my girls. They are the magic ingredient that makes my life what it is – I am woken up early in the morning, and I want to be grumpy, but something that Amelia says makes me smile despite myself, and makes my world brighter just by being there. I love the morning snuggles, getting a smile or laugh from baby Rosie, silliness. I know it is the same for almost any parent and its nothing new, but my children absolutely capture my heart.

And it terrifies me that I forget. Amelia is almost 4 now, and I just can’t remember her as a baby. I can’t associate the Amelia of now with the Amelia as a newborn, a toddler. I remember magical moments – usually they come to me as a completely random memory, but I can’t remember the absolute joy that I felt when she smiled as a baby. Some things I’ve just forgotten, and some things I remember, but in black and white instead of in colour. I look at photographs of Amelia, and I can’t remember a time when she looked like that, was like that, except for snatches of memories, glimmers of a time passed.

It’s still magic, and they still captivate me every day. But I’m scared, because as they grow up I know I can’t stop myself forgetting. Can’t stop time, and cant stop the colour leaking out of my memories. I don’t want to forget and I don’t want to lose them as they grow up.

I love my girls, and every little thing I forget feels like just a betrayal to them, because I’ve forgotten things I should never forget.

Is this just me? It’s something I’ve never asked before, and its something I struggle to put into words. But before I know it they will be grown, and there will be a million days that have got lost in time, and will never be remembered again. This really really scares me.

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One response to “I don’t remember…

  1. I think it’s natural, normal. Change is what happens and you have to live in the moment not the past. i know it’s easy to say and i get so very nostalgic too but sometimes it can be easy to get so caught up in recording or writing down every moment that you forget to participate in the present. I think you just have to try really hard to enjoy the here and now x

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