I want to capture every second of every day that I spend with my girls. They are the magic ingredient that makes my life what it is – I am woken up early in the morning, and I want to be grumpy, but something that Amelia says makes me smile despite myself, and makes my world brighter just by being there. I love the morning snuggles, getting a smile or laugh from baby Rosie, silliness. I know it is the same for almost any parent and its nothing new, but my children absolutely capture my heart.
And it terrifies me that I forget. Amelia is almost 4 now, and I just can’t remember her as a baby. I can’t associate the Amelia of now with the Amelia as a newborn, a toddler. I remember magical moments – usually they come to me as a completely random memory, but I can’t remember the absolute joy that I felt when she smiled as a baby. Some things I’ve just forgotten, and some things I remember, but in black and white instead of in colour. I look at photographs of Amelia, and I can’t remember a time when she looked like that, was like that, except for snatches of memories, glimmers of a time passed.
It’s still magic, and they still captivate me every day. But I’m scared, because as they grow up I know I can’t stop myself forgetting. Can’t stop time, and cant stop the colour leaking out of my memories. I don’t want to forget and I don’t want to lose them as they grow up.
I love my girls, and every little thing I forget feels like just a betrayal to them, because I’ve forgotten things I should never forget.
Is this just me? It’s something I’ve never asked before, and its something I struggle to put into words. But before I know it they will be grown, and there will be a million days that have got lost in time, and will never be remembered again. This really really scares me.