Feelings of failure.

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These are the things I love about my oldest daughter:
1. She’s loving. She tells me she loves me so many times every day. If she wakes in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, she says ‘I love you mama’ and loads through the day.
2. She’s funny. She’s quirky, and she’s telling jokes at the minute, and loves to do or say something funny.
3. She loves her baby sister. She’s loving, kind and considerate to Rosie – seeing how she is with Rosie makes me happy.
4. She helps me bake, or cook, or wash up. And enjoys it.
5. She loves family cuddles.
6. She’s confident. She will talk to anyone about anything.
7. She has lots of different friends at nursery, and is well liked.
8. Her logic. Everything has to make sense and be logically thought out.

These are the things that I don’t like about my oldest daughter:
1. She’s so naughty when we see anyone. One to one she’s fine, and I don’t have many problems. When anyone visits or we visit anyone she becomes an attention seeking, rebellious little monkey. She doesn’t listen, she is argumentative, bossy and over the top excited.
2. There are times when she is too confident. She will say what she thinks – she will shout if she thinks something is wrong. She will argue forever if she thinks she is right.
3. Her frowning face. And when she puts her hands on her hips to say something.

It feels almost wrong to say that there are things that I don’t like about my child. After all, I love / like so much more than I dislike. I think that she is just so different to me already – she’s an extrovert, very outgoing and loud. I’m more introvert, not outgoing at all, and quiet. So I don’t quite know how to react to her personality sometimes. And I always feel as though I’m getting it wrong – not being strict enough, or being too strict. Rewarding her too much, or not enough. I love her so much, she’s wonderful. But I don’t know how to manage her behaviour sometimes.

I feel like a bad mum, a failure, to even write these things. It feels as though I should know, always, what to do. But I don’t. I’ve never been a mum to a 4.5 year old, I’ve never been taught how to be a mum. I do my best, I middle through. And I hope and hope that eventually, Amelia will grow up to be a happy, healthy and nice adult, and that I will have a close relationship to her, and that she will know that I’ve always done my best.

Xxx >

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One response to “Feelings of failure.

  1. I struggle a lot with feelings like this and tbh a lot of the things you say you don’t like are the same for me too! I try and tell myself to admire F’s determination and flair as i guess they may do well for him in later life.
    Anyway i just wanted to say i am right there with you x

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