Okay, so Im my head today I was going to write about something lovely. But then I thought that this is my blog, and this is ordinary for me at the moment. Sorry for the negativity, but everything can’t be perfect all of the time.
I work 2.5 days a week as a social worker for people with dementia. I love parts of my job, but since I returned after maternity leave part time I’ve found it really hard to manage – to sum it up I have a lot of cases which eat all of my time up, leaving no time for my supervisees or making dementia services better. On paper it’s perfect – a balance of home and work, but the reality is that I don’t manage at work, which impacts hugely on home.
I finish on a Wednesday lunchtime. And for a couple of days it’s usually okay. But then the anxiety starts to kick in. It starts as a niggle, thinking about if somebody has been okay, or thinking about how something may have gone. And then it grows – I start thinking of my to do list (always at about 20 tasks – never goes down). And I start to think about how I’m not managing – the time I have isn’t enough to do the kind of job I want to be able to do. And I’m drowning when I’m at work, unable to do everything.
And the anxiety just creeps up and up, and from Saturday night onwards I struggle. I start to dread Mondays. I don’t sleep well. I sometimes get snappy with my family as my mind is on work.
And I don’t like it. I hate the feeling, and I hate knowing that Monday is coming. I need to change my job and I know this, as my mental health is not always good. But I also don’t want to get another social work job until my girls are older – which means a pay cut. And possibly an increase in hours. I’m holding out until after Christmas, as this time of year is expensive. But it’s hard.
I am sorry to put all of this in my blog, but it is a normal part of my life over the past 3 months, and one I am struggling with.
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