Tag Archives: motivation

Lifestyles…

For the past year i have not done well at being healthy. I’ve tried a bit, but not much really. I have found it hard to resist sugar in tea, or chocolate at night, or just anything bad really. And to be honest, it’s got to a point where I’m really body concious and it is bothering me. I’ve never before really got to a point where I feel concious all the time until now. I’ve always been relatively happy with my body (apart from a bad time a few months after Amelia was born, and the times that anyone has when I have bad days). I’ve been comfortable in my skin overall. But now I’m not. And I’ve realised that it’s time to change, and make changes to work for me and make me more confident and happier. 

To be honest, even writing this post is making me think that I shouldn’t post it because if I fail, I look bad. And because this isn’t something I would usually talk about. But – I have to be honest, and this is where I’m at. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s time to be positive and make the changes I feel ready to make. 

Today I sat down and wrote next weeks meals plans for all of our meals – I’ve tried to make them simple, but interesting, tasty and easy. Things to enjoy and look forward to. Tomorrow’s breakfast is ‘apple pie porridge’ lunch is a chicken salad (already made and in the fridge ready to take to work) and tea will be fish and vegetables. I would share the rest of the week but I’m not sure if that’s a bit boring so I won’t! I may take some photos though and see what has worked toward the end of the week. 

I also need to run – I gave race for life with Lydia in May and I need to practice! So, starting tomorrow I’m going to run every other day in the hope of running 3 miles by race for life, and to make me feel better about myself again. I will start from the beginning again – just a mile. And build up, as I have to start somewhere. 

I’ve taken some photos today of myself – I can’t share them yet (maybe not ever!) but i am hoping that this will remind me of what I want to achieve. 

We will see how things go. I’ve bought the shopping to incorporate all meals for this week, and bought a bottle to full with water rather than drinking tea with sugar. And I will weigh myself each week to keep track. And from there I guess I just have to hope that my willpower holds out and that I don’t give up when I hit a hurdle. 

Wish me luck….

Note to self…

To myself,

Now that you’ve just spent a ridiculous amount of money that you don’t really have on joining a gym, use it. Don’t be full of enthusiasm for 2 weeks and then lose motivation and interest. Don’t make excuses like ‘it’s cold / I don’t have time / I need to do something else (like eat cake). Go to the gym. You deserve this time, and your body needs to be healthier and fitter. Your thighs are getting wobbly (I’ve always been okay with my thighs before!) and your tummy has no muscles left, and you need time for you.

Set a timetable. Stick to it. Go when you don’t want to go. You might not fit in 5 times a week (never going to happen) but go at least 3 times. Craig has 2 days off – you have no excuse on those days. And one evening after work – you usually only sit on your bum once girls are in bed anyway.

Enjoy it. Enjoy getting fitter,being healthier and not having to force your jeans up round your thighs and tummy. Enjoy feeling confident because even if your body isn’t perfect, you know that you work hard to keep it as it is. Enjoy having time to yourself, time out to think of just you. Because you deserve some time to look after yourself. Sometimes you spend all our time looking after your girls and house. You need to remember that you are important too.

And stop writing to yourself. That’s just weird 🙂

Seriously – I’ve joined a gym (3 month membership for now.) it’s the one I really like, with a lovely swimming pool and hot tub and steam room. I want and need to get fit, and now that Rosie is getting older and not feeding quite as much I deserve it. So paying for this was my Xmas treat t myself – instead of a ‘big shop’ for Xmas I’ll do my usual shop with just a few specific extra bits (mince pies, real butter, cheese, stuff for a cooked breakfast, crumpets and fresh orange!) and not go crazy.

I weighed myself this morning. I weigh 10.10 now – it’s crept up from 10.2 to now, and so it’s time to bring it back down. I don’t feel unhappy with myself (I really believe that what anyone looks like doesn’t matter if they are happy) but I can feel that i’m getting to a point where I’m unhappy so I wanted to address it first. I know it’s silly in one way joining a gym right before Xmas, but if i let myself put on another 5 pounds (the average amount gained over Xmas) i know I’d feel rubbish. So I’m doing it now, with a focus on maintaining my weight not losing weight. And after Xmas ill try to lose slowly. But I don’t care – if I’m exercising I don’t care if I weigh the same, my body will still change anyway.

I’m starting to babble so I’m going now, before I bore you any further 🙂

Xxx

I’m still in survival mode…

Just to give you an idea of context, I am usually super organised. At work I always had everything organised and prioritised. I had a ‘traffic light system’ so red tasks were urgent, amber needed to be done when possible and green could wait a week or two. I had lists of phone numbers, contacts, and email addresses filed safely. I had a folder to store information that families may need. I organised my diary carefully. I was (still am, but on maternity leave!) a social worker with older adults within the complex case team and my caseload was really high (about 25 ‘complex’ people to work with at any time. So I had to be organised or I wouldn’t have coped mentally with the workload.

But as a mum, none of these things work. I’m not organised at all. I try to be, but somehow these girls of mine refuse to be put into a timetable. I have it planned out what we will do, but then it doesn’t work. At all. My cleaning hardly ever gets done, which frustrates and bothers me but doesn’t seem to make much difference. I never iron. I do try to cook most nights, but I’m just not organised. There are only 4 of us (including my boyfriend) to organise and somehow it’s an impossible and never ending task.

I get really puzzled as to why its such hard work maintaining a house with two children. And mentally I seem to be struggling a bit. Most days I feel a bit sad. Not quite sad, but not happy either. In some ways its like feeling nothing to protect myself from feeling broken. I don’t know quite what I would do if I didn’t have my parents, sisters, nana and in laws as they keep me floating. Just about.

Having a baby is hard, hard work. Everyone talks about the 6 month mark being that magical point when it gets easier. Only it doesn’t. When my oldest was about 3 months old I remember her crying, and me crying, and me just hoping to survive until 6 months, because then she would magically sleep through and be less clingy and needy. It didn’t happen – she didn’t sleep through until about a year old. And with Rosie now, she’s almost 7 months. And at 6 months it didn’t change. I’m still in survival mode. I think I will be for a while yet.

That’s not to say I regret having my girls. I don’t – I absolutely love them to bits and I cherish every moment with them. In fact, at times I think that they are the only ones who keep me sane, and when Amelia says something funny or Rosie makes one of her new noises (na, na, na) it just makes me really proud. They are my life in two little packages. But i’m tired, I need some space and I want to be me and not just mum occasionally.

Sorry for the rambley post, I’m not usually one to moan or even talk much about my negative feelings. Even now I’m half tempted to delete this post and not put it on my blog. But I have to be honest – this blog is a place where I need to be honest or else it will just stay in my head. Posting this will help me, and so I’m going to post it.

I’m still in survival mode. But I’m doing my best and its okay to not feel great all the time.